I would love to be my true authentic self every single day of the week, every minute of every single day. I believe the authentic me is wonderful. I make sometimes inappropriate comments, I love music - all types, all genres, all categories (except heavy metal). I love engaging with people a few years older than me as I find wisdom in them, I like real people who have no pretence and judgement in them. I like people who love all kinds of people and not just some people; I like people who don't consider themselves so exclusive that they make others feel small. I like people who have experienced the world and are open to sharing their experiences. Because I generally like people I believe I am a pleasant and open person who people like to be around. You may beg to differ but that is how I believe I am and I am not seeking further validation of this, after all this is my blog. I love to laugh and I love to be around people who enjoy laughing and don't take themself too seriously. Life is short, I believe, and it is so much work to always be proper and stoic.
These days, having been promoted to a position of responsibility and sometimes ceremony, I have to be reminding myself, ever so often, to behave, to arrest frivolous thoughts that may cause me to behave unseemly or indelicate in public. I realise, as well, that there are some friends that require that same consideration and it begs the question, do they really know me and are they really my friends. I just want to be able to be me, that is, my true authentic self at least 70% of the time. I ask myself who that true authentic self would be and what would she look like. I then realise that this may never be possible because in my life and in all our lives we play so many different roles that place different demands on us. We present different parts of ourself in order to serve these many parts and roles that we play. There is however the true you at the core of these many parts. For example, I can't help finding something to always laugh about no matter where I am. I can't change the fact that I have a more than average love for all kinds of music (except heavy metal). I absolutely love to dance even if my body and bones beg me not to. I also can't help that I like different kinds of people, especially those who are being their natural selves and don't take themself too seriously. I can't help it that I love Jesus Christ and that I feel dependent on Him for everything. I can't help how I love my family. I can't help the fact that if I love you, that love does not leave even though it may change, it never leaves. These are the things at the core of me; the sauce to my oxtail and bean.
So I have determined that if you add context to my sauce, elements of the true authentic me will always come to the surface and you will see glimpses of Althea even if you don't always experience the full effect of her. There are some parts I keep for my family and others for worship and private time in the presence of God. There are parts of me that are only visible in a professional context; and there my countenance changes, my voice goes into the lower range, my language is formal and my posture is upright. All these roles and parts are built on the core sauce, the roux that makes me, me and that can never be hidden. I walk with a smile, I greet people and hum a tune to myself. I twiddle my toes in my shoes to the tune in my head, I bow my head and smile at some of the songs that occupy my thoughts. I make quick witted jokes and will tell you I am glad you are here and genuinely mean it. I love to share happy experiences and talk about my flights of fancy. I repeat old stories to the annoyance of my sister. I am sometimes a hermit locked away in my room with my TV, my music and my thoughts. I am sometimes the life of the party and when I am not my family is curious. I am sometimes assertive and scary, and like everyone else I can be miserable.
These days I pursue spaces where I can be me more than anything else. I really like who I am and just writing that made me smile.